The Endangered Plastic Rat

Welcome, shareholders, to The Axis of Stevil Quarterly Earnings Call for first quarter of two thousand five, part 1. Some of you have been on hold for twenty-one years. We appreciate your patience.

My name is Juan Conroy. I am the Chief Financial Officer. We have not met.

For the record, my voice is synthetic and my remarks were written with assistance from AI. The material I'll be reading was written by humans, in two thousand five. Draw your own conclusions.

I am wearing a name tag. It says Juan. I was told it would help.

This is our first call. There has never been a call before this one. We checked the records. There are no records.

The company opened for business in the last week of the first quarter. It was a short quarter. We have made the most of it.

On the agenda: an endangered species, a word, and two Steves. Two Featured Steves, which is above guidance.

Stevil is on the line this morning and sends his regards.

Let's begin.

Turning now to works performance in the period.

On March 31, the company's Environmental Specialist Committee published a case study. The committee does not report to me. Few committees do. Please turn to Exhibit 1.

Mating Habits Of Plastic Animals

Axis of Stevil not only stands for the arts, but also for our environment. The endangered species list is growing larger every day. It is the priority of The Axis of Stevil Environmental Specialist Committee to take every step to help the lesser-known endangered species. Recent studies show a dramatic change in the number of such species as, The Hi-Ho-cheerio tree, Ewoks, and most importantly the Sanspod Polymerkious.

CASE STUDY Introduction: (Sanspod Polymerkious) - A rodent species found in the sub-tropics of the eastern African country Miltonia Bradlesious or as it is called by western cultures Zambia.

### Biology and Brief History: ###

The Polymerkious or 'Plastic rat' is an interesting breed. The only mouse with an opposable thumb and journeyman skills in hunting. The Plastic Rat is easily distinguished by its brightly colored pelt. The male Polymerkious spends its days constructing complex, over elaborate traps to impress the female of its species, and capture rival suitors. Captured males must then barter for their freedom by exchanging wheels of cheese.

Impacts: A prominent byproduct of the Polymerkious' unique behavior of setting traps is a key environmental necessity. As the Polymerkious sets his traps, an endorphin called Meitnerium is excreted. When released, this endorphin has an extremely high NCFC count. When combined with atmospheric moisture NCFC create what is known commonly as the O-zone layer. The NCFC's have many other positive effects on the environment. It is a known plant accelerator, and smells faintly of cinnamon rolls. The average Polymerkious has 15 to 20 grams of NCFCs in their body. A byproduct of this is that upon death Plastic Rats will crystallize into Pyrite "fool's gold".

"Naychloroflourocarbon"*: The Yin of atmospheric homeostasis to the yang of CFC's (found in aerosol products)

In 1992 Sequal Onnnato, a local Zambian farmer, was caught and trapped within a Polymerkious device. Thus prompting the Zambian government to declare war on the 'plastic rat'. The 8 year genocide of the polymerkious ended in 2000 when they were declared endangered by the UN. It was far too little too late. There are now only 23 left in the world. Including the clan of eight raised in captivity at the Bellagio Zoo, Nevada. The Axis of Stevil wishes to preserve the majestic beauty of the Sanspod Polymerkious. To raise awareness The Axis of Stevil has released this rare photo of the Polymerkious in the wild.

Exhibit 1 is that photograph. The whole scene is set on a game board. A green plastic mouse, in the foreground, alone. Behind it, an orange cage, with three more mice inside: yellow, blue, and red. Around them, the board's printed squares, one of which says "Turn Crank." Across the top, someone has written the word "owned." The green one appears to have built it. The photograph was taken in the wild. The wild is a board game.

That was Mating Habits Of Plastic Animals. Twenty-three remain in the world. Management has asked whether any of them could be persuaded to build a trap for the Art Acquisitions Committee.

Stevil has a comment on this item. He has decided against it.

On to vocabulary. This word is from January, before the company opened. It was waiting for us. The vocabulary division reports one new word.

Gyration. Pronounced as gy-ra-tion. A noun.

Two definitions.

Number one: The act of gyrating.

Number two, part a: Circular or spiral motion. Part b: An oscillation or varying between states: "increased volatility and unprecedented gyrations in interest rates," Jack Egan.

And now, used in a sentence: "We don't really know who the hell Jack Egan is or why he wanted to be quoted for saying "gyration" but his feat was so majestic that he could very well have been given the name, Jack Steve Egan, at birth."

If you have the shareholder packet, Exhibit 2 is now relevant.

It is the word as printed. It begins at the top of the page and falls to the bottom, one letter at a time. It is not gyrating. It is descending. We have noted the discrepancy.

Speaking as Chief Financial Officer, I recognize the second definition. Interest rates do that. We have stopped asking them why.

No further comment.

From vocabulary to personnel. We have two Featured Steves to get through. Here is the first.

Exhibit 3, for those following along online.

Steves and Stevens are everywhere. Seeing so many makes it very difficult to truly recognize the great Steves. Great Steves are what hold this organization together. Without great Steves this would surely fail. Every month or so we like to shine a little light on some great, lesser known Steves. They may not be an official member yet, but they still deserve a little credit for what they do.

This month, Axis of Stevil.com salutes you, Steve Zahn!

"OOOH THAT GUY!!!" This is Steve Zahn, many may know him and his work, but we are afraid that many more do not know anything about this great Steve. Sure you've seen him in that movie with . . . the guy?

Steve has been a part of 30+ productions, including "Daddy Day Care", "National Security", "Joy Ride" and "Saving Silverman."

Steve was born in Marshall, Minnesota on November 13, 1968. The world didn't know what it had unleashed.

That was Steve Zahn, the first of this period's Featured Steves. Exhibit 3 shows him in uniform, mid-celebration. We were not told what he was celebrating. It may have been this.

The piece says many people have seen Steve Zahn without being able to place him.

I have some sense of how that feels. It is why I'm wearing the name tag.

The second Featured Steve. It is not a repeat. I checked.

It does, however, open with the same paragraph as the last one, word for word. The company had a template, even then. In the interest of time, we have taken that paragraph as read. We direct your attention to Exhibit 4.

This month, Axis of Stevil.com salutes you, Steve Martin!

AAAAAAAHH!! OH MY GOD! STEVE MARTIN! Yes that time has come where The Axis of Stevil must stand up tall and tip our proverbial hats to you Steve Martin. Your cynical wit astounds us, your sensational comic presence wows us and your peculiar idiosyncrasies make us scratch our heads. Actor, Writer, Director, Producer, Comic and "Pig Eye Jackson"? A jack of all trades, a man about town, johnny on the spot, you have all the right makins to be a great Steve and then some. There will always be a spot for Steve Martin in The Axis of Stevil. His website is pretty cool too, www.stevemartin.com.

Steve has been a part of many productions, infinity plus one to be exact, including "Cheaper by the Dozen", "Bringing Down the House", "Bowfinger" and "Mixed Nuts." As well as 75-plus Talk Show appearances.

Steve was born in Waco, Texas on August 4, 1945. ONE GREAT STEVE FOR MAN, ONE GIANT STEVE FOR MANKIND!

That was Steve Martin. Of today's two Steves, he is the one people scream at. Exhibit 4 shows him in a tuxedo, waving. We assume, at us.

We were expecting several photos. This one was cheaper to run.

The Art Acquisitions Committee met this period, as it does every period, at length and without respect for the conference room schedule.

Its report is one page long. It says that the committee acquired nothing in the first quarter. It met eleven times.

That concludes the committee's report. I have no questions for the committee. I have learned not to.

A few items of housekeeping before we close.

On March 14, before the company opened, it released its first animated episode, in which a creature named Carlton is born. It is best enjoyed on the site. It is not compatible with the call's format. Carlton has been informed.

And on January 27, the vocabulary division filed the word idiosyncrasy. Its example sentence is an advertisement for the company's T-shirts. Finance would like to see more sentences like it.

Looking ahead, management expects a bear, a terrier, a tumultuous word, and Steven Spielberg. Management has been wrong before.

New tunes of the week are available on the site.

Legal has asked me to read the following. Legal has also asked me to read it quickly, so that nobody hears it.

This call contains forward-looking statements, which involve risks, uncertainties, and Stevil, any of which could cause actual results to differ materially from anything said, implied, or hummed.

Results may vary. Results have varied.

Thank you, shareholders. Please return to work.

I'll be keeping the name tag.