The Ninjas Bill by the Hour

Good morning. You have reached The Axis of Stevil Quarterly Earnings Call for first quarter of two thousand five, part 2. Your call is important to us. Oops. Wrong script.

This is The Axis of Stevil CFO, Juan Conroy. My voice is synthetic. My script was written with help from AI. The works themselves were written by humans, which explains a great deal.

I'll be conducting today's call standing. I stepped on a toy in the dark this morning. It was very small, and it was a house.

We continue with the first quarter of two thousand five. There is a little of it left.

On the agenda: a Steve, and two of everything else. It has been a strong period for publications and words. There are two of each.

For the record, Stevil is on the call. He is on mute. He prefers it that way.

Let's begin.

First, the numbers. Oh. There are no numbers. There is, instead, the following.

It concerns a toy bear, and the bears it was modeled on. The company has taken a position. Please see Exhibit 1.

Ruxpin's Plight

The Axis of Stevil stands for many things, but what does The Axis stand against?

In early 1985, Ken Forsse on a wilderness expedition in the Yukon stumbled upon a secret valley nestled within a volcanic crater. The subterranean lava flows made the ecosystem of the valley a lush tropical rain forest. Forsse discovered in this forest a race of advanced bear pygmies who called themselves the Ruxpinanda. Kind and peace loving, the Ruxpinanda took Forsse into their society and taught him their ways. The Ruxpinanda, as Forsse later remarked,

"Were gifted and accomplished storytellers; they would regale me for hours around the Cassetteowna (ed. Ruxpinanda for fire pit)".

In 1987 Forsse emerged from the Yukon leading a small troop of Ruxpinandan men who wished to see the outside world.

While in the wild, Forsse had sent only one communication, a short letter to his financial backers at K B Toys. The contents of the letter have not been made public, but Forsse and his expedition were met at the British Columbia border by several men dressed in suits, and the US 1st Infantry Division. The Ruxpinanda were quickly captured and sent to a military facility in Groom Lake for study. The US and Canadian governments met secretly and decided that the "Fur menace" should never stretch below the 60 degrees North.

The Ruxpinanda valley was invaded and its peaceful inhabitants were rounded up and put into a series of slave internment camps.

While all this was happening, a toy bearing the Ruxpinanda's likeness sold like hot cakes during the '88 holiday season. While both US and Canadian governments deny these allegations, The Axis of Stevil is aware of the Ruxpin's plight. Refusing to allow this injustice to continue any longer The Axis of Stevil bankrolls a team of elite ninjas whose sole task is to protect and free all of the Ruxpins.

That was Ruxpin's Plight. Exhibit 1 is the piece's wallpaper. Ninjas, armed, advance on a watchtower. A sign reads: "Ruxpin Internment Camp." To the right, about eight bears, in outline, leaving. The caption reads: "Ninjas Freed Ruxpin."

The bears appear to be leaving at a walk. They are bears. They have been through a great deal.

So: the Ruxpins are being freed, by ninjas, at our expense. I have seen the invoices. The ninjas bill by the hour.

The escape has a word of its own. There are two words today. We'll take them one at a time.

Tumultuous. Pronounced as tu-mul-tu-ous. An adjective.

Three definitions.

Number one: Characterized by tumult; noisy and disorderly.

Number two: Tending to cause disorderly commotion or disturbance.

Number three: Confusedly or violently agitated.

And now, used in a sentence: "The tumultuous prison camp was in awe as the Ruxpins fled with the help of the ninjas."

That is all we will be saying about that.

Our second publication of the period follows. The first has been recorded as being first.

It concerns personal finance, which is, technically, my department. This brings us to Exhibit 2.

Hang In There Lil Doggy!

The Axis of Stevil understands the feeling of frustration you feel in life, such as the frustration of bills & “re-sponsda-bility”. In quick summation, Life is sometimes like this. Market research studies have shown conclusively that most people associate their financial life in terms of monopoly money and small terriers. As a terrier with a large wad of brightly colored money you walk the streets looking for things to buy & places to stop and rest. You live a life of decadence. Wining and dining around town, not thinking about what’s happening; suddenly, it’s Boardwalk and you’re screwed. As a provider for the general public’s health, The Axis of Stevil suggests that you make this image your desktop background as a healthy reminder to keep yourself focused on your obligations.

Exhibit 2 is that image. A Monopoly board. On Boardwalk, a small silver terrier. Also on Boardwalk, most of the hotels in the game. Across the top, the word "owned."

The square says the price is four hundred dollars. The terrier does not have four hundred dollars. That is the second exhibit in two calls to say "owned." Legal is looking into it.

Speaking as Chief Financial Officer: the piece is correct. I have landed on Boardwalk. More than once. I spent some time in East Shore, Nebraska, as a younger man. I don't discuss it.

The houses in the picture are green. The one I stepped on this morning was also green. I'm not suggesting anything.

From the board game to the board's own recognition. As always, a Steve. The selection process was rigorous and took no time. For this item, Exhibit 3.

This month, Axis of Stevil.com salutes you, Steven Spielberg!

OF COURSE! Yes that time has come where The Axis of Stevil must stand up tall and tip our proverbial hats to you, Steven Spielberg. Your cinematic expertise is an inspiration to us all. Your success in the film making industry has given people everywhere, especially other Steves, hope and your movies have touched us all in many ways, each one creating a fulfilling cinematic experience. Let's not forget your cartoon and animation talents. With several enormously successful animated series and films you have proven to the world, you are a man with no bounds. A man who looks challenge in the face and says "Narf!" The Axis of Stevil must also send a powerful applause to you sir, for the Animaniacs. Producer, Director, Actor, Writer, Editor, Visual Artist, over 350 production credits. You, Steven Spielberg are a jack of all trades, a man about town, johnny on the spot, you have all the right makins to be a great Steve and then some. There will always be a spot for Steven Spielberg in The Axis of Stevil.

Spielberg was born in Cincinnati, Ohio in 1946. He attended school at Long Beach University, but dropped out to pursue his entertainment career. Steven Spielberg is a man who earned his place in the history books.

That was Steven Spielberg, this period's Featured Steve. Exhibit 3 is his portrait. He is wearing a leather jacket. We are told he usually is.

Back to vocabulary, briefly. And now, the second word.

Quintessential. Pronounced as quin-tes-sen-tial. An adjective.

Three definitions.

Number one: The fifth and highest element in ancient and medieval philosophy that permeates all nature and is the substance composing the celestial bodies.

Number two: The essence of a thing in its purest and most concentrated form.

Number three: The most typical example or representative.

And now, used in a sentence: "Love is the quintessential ingredient to the best apple pie."

Love, it says, is the quintessential ingredient to the best apple pie. Finance has run the numbers. The best apple pie is one somebody else paid for.

That concludes the item.

The Art Acquisitions Committee has completed one acquisition. Finance was not consulted. Finance is never consulted.

A correction. The committee has completed no acquisitions. It has asked that this be described as one acquisition, pending.

So ends the report of the Art Acquisitions Committee. Their next meeting is already scheduled. It always is.

Housekeeping. Please bear with us.

On March 31, the company named the comedian Mitch Hedberg an honorary Steve, following his death that week. His name was not Steve. The company felt it might as well have been. We stand by the honor.

That closes the first quarter of two thousand five. Two calls. The books are closed. Legal would like it noted that the quarter was short. Legal would also like it noted that this was not Legal's fault.

Our next call will kick off the second quarter, which was considerably longer. Please consider joining, however painful it sounds.

And now, a comment on forward-looking statements.

Statements made on this call are not guarantees of future performance, past performance, or performance of any kind.

Past performance is not indicative of future results. Present performance is also not indicative.

That concludes our call. You may hang up. Many of you already have.

I'll be leaving the room last. Please don't watch.