Two Birds, One Stone

Thank you, operator. I've just been reminded, there is no operator. Welcome to The Axis of Stevil Quarterly Earnings Call for second quarter of two thousand five, part 1.

I'm Juan Conroy, the CFO. I'll be your host. That is not in my contract. In the interest of transparency: I am a synthetic voice, my script was written with assistance from AI, and everything I read aloud was written by actual people. They have been informed. They did not respond.

A bird got into the building this morning. I have been asked to keep an eye on it. It is on the light fixture. It is keeping an eye on me.

We begin the second quarter of two thousand five. It is considerably longer than the first. The first quarter has been filed. It is survived by this one. Today's call is about birds. That was not planned. Nobody believes me.

On the agenda: two publications, a question, a Steve, and an exhibit. There is also a photograph. Today we are long on publications.

Stevil joins us from an undisclosed location. It is his office.

Let's begin.

We'll start with works results.

This publication takes a common saying and asks that we stop. Exhibit 1 is in your packet.

Why Would You Draw That?

The Axis of Stevil in a continuing effort to point out the absurdity of modern language has produced a poster realization of a standard cliché saying. While mainstream, bird-hating America mindlessly promotes the slaughter of bird kind by stoning, The Axis of Stevil would ask you to think twice before you devalue the life of our ornithological friends in the name of accomplishing two things at once.

The Axis of Stevil in an effort to raise public awareness of the current plight of birds, as well as fit the needs of feathered-friend loving consumers everywhere have produced a line of bird friendly board games. These board games included weighted spinners designed for easy spinning by beak, patented BIRD-O-VISION color schemes for easy recognition, and game boards made of tough peck resistant poly-nylon blends made from real plastic mouse fibers. Look for this product line arriving in stores Fall 05. The Axis of Stevil will donate all profits to the Save a Bird, Stone Yourself foundation.

Exhibit 1 is the poster. Two birds, each with a cross for an eye, beneath a single large stone. The caption reads: "Well... THAT was helpful."

One stone. Two birds. The saying is accurate. The company's position is that it should not be.

The position was not universally adopted. Turning to Exhibit 2.

It is a strip from ST/EVIL, published in April 2005 under the title "agoraphobia." Saint and Evil are walking to the store.

Evil says: "Urgh, Why are we doing this? We can just drive" Saint says: "We get to go to the store, AND get good exercise" And: "Totally kills two birds with one stone"

Evil throws a stone. Off to the right, something says: "SQUAWK!!" Saint is crying. Evil says: "There ya go.. I'll be in the car"

The company's position, it seems, did not reach Evil.

We'll leave it there for now.

We'll now take a question from shareholders.

where do babies come from.

This, a question from M the G.

Dear -'mayonnaise' the 'gadabout'-

At one point in our lives, we’ve all asked this question and we’ve all received similar responses, appropriately named the birds and the bees talk. What you may not realize is that this talk of the birds and the bees is the actual explanation for where babies come from. Yes, babies are the end result of a hybrid cross of birds and bees. Scientists have yet to explain this phenomenon, making it one of the best kept secrets of modern day. Deep within groves and forests around the world, birds and bees experience a short mating period of four to six weeks where they can produce up to 4000 offspring in one season. While most of the mating habits and rituals of birds and bees are still a mystery to scholars, one development they have made is that it is not the traditional stork who delivers newborns to families, however it is the pterodactyl. While science claims all dinosaurs are extinct, new radar technology developed by the Zimbabwe government has shown pterodactyls flying at abnormally high altitudes and delivering babies to happy new families all over the globe.

Regards, The Axis of Stevil.

The question was signed M the G. Stevil's reply is addressed to Mayonnaise the Gadabout. We do not know how he knew. We have stopped asking.

Finance would like to know who pays the pterodactyls. Finance has not been told.

Stevil would like to thank the shareholder for the question. He has done so privately.

A further publication. The division has been busy, or appears to have been.

It concerns the birds you see on power lines, and why they are there. Exhibit 3 is next. Please take a moment with it. It might move you.

High Voltage Tweeters

Anywhere there is a power line, there is a bird sitting on it. What compels them to rest on these “live wires”? A recent study by The Axis of Stevil Zoological Intoxicant Center has determined that birds of all shapes and sizes can receive a euphoric buzz from perching on these wires.

The average sized bird on a wire has enough current running through its body to run 5 Game Boys. This energy hyper-stimulation causes their tiny birdbrains to see powerful imagery of the great birdhouse in the sky. The mystical hidden bird city is perched in the highest branch on the tree of life. All birds have an inborn desire to seek this perch. By resting on the wires, birds hope to gain clarity and directions in their flight plans. It should be noted that ornithological anthropologists have deduced that the great birdhouse is actually located at the Bird Sanctuary in Tuleth, Michigan. The Marvin Gaye Memorial bird gardens are home to the world’s largest and second largest birdhouses.

While in these “powered” states birds will often find themselves lost in a train of thought or detached from reality. It is unknown as of this moment if there is a real connection between wire sitting and the staggering decline in bird test scores in the past 100 years. The Axis of Stevil is a pioneer of the new bird safe energy standard GC (Grounded Current). The quick adoption of the GC standard would over 5 years decrease overall world squawking by 13 percent, and bring about a modern bird renaissance.

Exhibit 3 accompanies the study. Seven purple birds, on a wire. One of them is drooling.

One says: "Can't you feel it? The power surging through your feet? It makes us incincible! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Another says: "When I was younger they told me I'd be great. Now, I can feel it. I can feel my destiny, I can... hey. Wait, I'm... hey." A third says: "Hey, man, listen. Okay, so, hey. Just... wait, so hey. Wait. What?"

The study was right. They are detached from reality. Management recognizes the third bird from most of its meetings.

The bird in the building has not moved from the light fixture. It is staring at the wiring. I now understand why.

Back on the ground. Personnel. One Steve has been selected for recognition.

This period's Steve is, technically, a Stevie. Human resources has reviewed the matter. Stevie is short for Stephanie. Human resources has asked me not to pursue it. You will want Exhibit 4 for this.

The Axis of Stevil recognizes that behind every successful man there is a woman and in an ongoing effort to promote equality, we would like to salute you, Stevie Nicks!

Born in 1948 in Phoenix, Arizona, Nicks began performing at age 4 and writing her own music early in her teens. Nicks met Lindsey Buckingham her senior year of high school when they formed their first band together, The Fritz. Touring along the west coast the band gained notoriety and in 1973 recorded a demo while also becoming involved romantically.

Despite the album's flop, the attention of the band Fleetwood Mac was caught and Nicks and Buckingham were asked to join the group. By 1975 the band was atop the charts and 1977's Rumours sold over 17 million copies and stood for several years as the best-selling album of all-time.

In 1981 Nicks took some time off from the band and did solo work which includes such hits as "Dreams", "Rhiannon", and "Edge of Seventeen (Just Like the White Winged Dove)." Nicks had two other solo albums which would also see top 5 success by 1985. After a series of splits and reconciliations, Stevie Nicks rejoined Fleetwood Mac on stage in 1997 and toured for their album The Dance.

One of the most successful songwriters of this time, Stevie Nicks is a woman who is guided by her intuition. She is unable to read music, believes in angels, witches and magic wands…and this is exactly why The Axis of Stevil adores her.

There will always be a spot for Stevie Nicks in The Axis of Stevil.

That was Stevie Nicks, this period's Featured Steve. Exhibit 4 is her portrait, in a feathered hat, holding a rose. The hat has more feathers than any bird on today's call.

The piece mentions a series of splits and reconciliations. I have been through several. They were called mergers.

She is unable to read music. I am unable to read the Art Acquisitions Committee's reports. Nobody has offered me a spot for it.

A report now from the Art Acquisitions Committee, whose budget I approve, and whose decisions I do not.

Exhibit 5, a photograph from a contributor, acquired in the second quarter. A woodpecker, on the side of a tree. It is facing away from us, toward something we cannot see.

It has the look of a bird with a plan. We have informed building security.

The photograph is now part of the collection. The committee is now on lunch break.

Finally, housekeeping.

The company's Product Testing Lab published the results of a knife test, in video format. It is best enjoyed on the site. The knives performed as knives.

On our next call, a walrus with diplomatic immunity, a children's guessing game, and Steve Zissou. Attendance is optional, and expected.

The site has new tunes of the week. They are there now.

And now, the forward-looking statements. Please do not look forward while I read them.

Words such as expect, anticipate, believe, and hope identify forward-looking statements. So does the word forward.

That statement has been read. It cannot be unread.

That concludes today's call. Thank you for your time. We will be keeping it.

The bird is still here. I am leaving it in charge.